Living Alone

So on Friday my roommate announced to me that he is moving out on Monday (tomorrow). I was confused at first and asked if he was going to be coming back to get his stuff at some point, because it was so last minute and out of the blue that I didn’t think he’d had time to organize a way to move out all his furniture and belongings yet (he lives 6.5 hours away), but he said his mom was coming this weekend to move him and all his stuff out tomorrow!

Basically he told me he was failing school because (as I’ve noticed) he hasn’t gone to class once this semester, and he knows he can’t come back from that at this point considering the semester is practically over. He also said that he doesn’t even know if he wants to do what he’s in school for. And not to mention his current mental state, he is just really not in a good place. He has no money, he’s not in school, there is no point in him staying here. He just needs to go home and get his feet back on the ground, start to heal from his broken heart, and figure out what he wants to do.

Of course I understand and I’m not mad, because he didn’t leave me hanging. We were both planning on moving out at the end of April anyways, so our deposit covers our last month of rent. So I guess there is nothing keeping him here.

A part of me felt pretty sad when he told me, I felt a sudden panic. Last year my roommate moved out two weeks before the end of the semester because she had to move to another city to do an internship for the end of her school year. So I was at my apartment completely alone for two weeks and it was just awful. I get really paranoid at night because I have bad nightmares and I hallucinate. I usually wake up multiple times throughout the night and see someone or something in my room that isn’t really there and, as you can imagine, it’s absolutely terrifying and it’s hard for me to calm my heart rate down and go back to sleep after that. It’s usually under control if I’m on a decent sleep schedule where I don’t stay up past midnight and I get up before 10 in the morning, and if I have the comfort of knowing there’s someone sleeping in the room next to me. There’s just comfort in the thought of not being alone. I definitely never hallucinate or have those restless, panicked nights when my boyfriend is here sleeping next to me. But my paranoia at night—worrying that someone is going to break into my apartment while I’m sleeping—intensifies so much when I’m alone. Obviously. It was really awful when I was alone for those two weeks. My paranoia prevented me from falling asleep easily, which meant I was up late, which meant I had a lot of hallucinations. On top of that, I was on edge, and every single noise frightened me awake. I’d never experienced that before. I guess I took for granted the fact that living with someone and having them around at night put me at ease enough that most noises didn’t register in my mind while I was sleeping.

So when my roommate told me he was moving out and I realized I’d be living here completely alone for a month and a half, that’s where my panic stemmed from. But the more I think about it, the more excited I am. I think (and hope) I won’t be as freaked out at night because I installed a lock on my bedroom door this year (last year I was wedging my desk chair in between my door and the wall every night before I went to sleep to try and give myself a little peace of mind). Also, I’m a perfectionist and a neat freak, mildly compulsively. So I do struggle living with other people because our shared living space is never up to my standards of cleanliness. I usually do a massive cleaning (meaning dusting and windexing every surface, bleaching the kitchen and bathroom, sweeping the floors, vacuuming all the carpets and mats) every other weekend, and it doesn’t take long for it to get dirty again, especially with my roommate’s dog who sheds like crazy. I’ve never known a dog that sheds so much (she’s a corgi, border collie, lab, retriever mix, and has the border collie coat). The dog hair killed me, I didn’t even like to go in the living room because the carpet was full of it and the couches were covered in it, even though he vacuumed the couch cushions every day. So a huge part of me is relieved and excited that I’m going to have a super clean apartment all the time, not just right after I clean it. And I’m going to be able to keep it looking the way I want, and not feel like I have to stay in my room whenever I’m home because he’s out in the living room playing video games all day and night.

I just hope I am able to sleep well at night being here alone. I hope it’s not the same experience as last time. I dreaded the night because I was overtaken by fear, knowing the kind of sleep I was going to be experiencing. I need this time to be better, for my health and sanity.

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